"Dear Tommy,

"The Internet is raking in millions of dollars for big companies. And with today's advanced technology, even a housewife in Oshkosh, Wisconsin can market her goods worldwide. Which begs me to ask...

"Is your company getting its slice of that delicious Internet pie? Or will you bury your head in sand waiting for the Internet to crash?

"If you think the Internet will be around well after you've retired—then it's time to shift your company into hyperdrive at our next Enterprise Content Management Summit. We'll show you the ins and outs of making money on the Internet because we've helped large companies land on sure footing after making the jump. We'll also help you blah, blah, blah..."

See the difference?

You

"Dear Mr. Yan,

"My name is Jane Doe. I am writing you today as a representative for ABC Company. ABC is a company specializing in the technologies and tools used to organize and manage information relating the organizational aspects of businesses. I have decided to serve on the Board of ABC Company this year to follow my heart and dreams, and do my part in making technology solutions available to small and medium sized business. It is my belief that solution providers (not just ABC Company) will start delivering Enterprise Content Management (ECM) and IT solutions in a manner that is easy for users to implement, and at a price that is affordable to organizations of all sizes."

What's wrong with this opening paragraph?

There's no benefit, no purpose, and no excitement. It's long, dry, and doesn't stir your senses. It targets too huge a group instead of pinpointing one or three segments of the group. In short—it's painfully boring and won't bring home the bacon.

Let's continue on with another two paragraphs from this actual promotion...

"On Thursday, November 9th, 2006, ABC Company is organizing, for the first time, an event designed specifically for small and medium size business. On behalf of the ABC Board, I would like to invite you to join us at this chapter meeting. This meeting will provide you with the basics of ECM, and will also provide an interactive session where you may discuss your company's IT requirements to many solution providers.

"In addition, many organizations in San Diego are being invited to this event and you will find this the perfect opportunity to network with other successful businesses in our community."

Okay: that's enough. I'm sure you got it because you didn't get it. I didn't either.

Are you familiar with Microsoft Word's Office Assistant? When it's incoherent to what you're typing—it scratches its head in confusion. Well, haven't you been scratching your head?

Because I bet you're still wondering:

What is ECM?

What can it do for me?

What is your definition of affordable?

Why is Jane (following her heart and dreams) important to me?

Aren't there other technology solutions providers?

Can Jane give me something more concrete than her belief?

I don't know...

Because her letter raises more questions that were never addressed. And it's sad to say, she will attract a majority of the wrong audience (networking junkies) to this event.

Dear reader, I hope you are savvy enough not to send your letters out as Jane did. It's lifeless, doesn't grab you by the jugular, or compel you to respond. It doesn't shout, "Hey mister, you really need this!"

Its major downfall is that it's full of logic. Which misses the mark because people make decisions on emotion. Then support that decision through logic.

Here's what Jane could have written:

Have You Profited from the Internet Revolution?

"Dear Tommy,

"The Internet is raking in millions of dollars for big companies. And with today's advanced technology, even a housewife in Oshkosh, Wisconsin can market her goods worldwide. Which begs me to ask...

"Is your company getting its slice of that delicious Internet pie? Or will you bury your head in sand waiting for the Internet to crash?

"If you think the Internet will be around well after you've retired—then it's time to shift your company into hyperdrive at our next Enterprise Content Management Summit. We'll show you the ins and outs of making money on the Internet because we've helped large companies land on sure footing after making the jump. We'll also help you blah, blah, blah..."

See the difference?

You

What's wrong with this opening paragraph?

There's no benefit, no purpose, and no excitement. It's long, dry, and doesn't stir your senses. It targets too huge a group instead of pinpointing one or three segments of the group. In short—it's painfully boring and won't bring home the bacon.

Let's continue on with another two paragraphs from this actual promotion...

"On Thursday, November 9th, 2006, ABC Company is organizing, for the first time, an event designed specifically for small and medium size business. On behalf of the ABC Board, I would like to invite you to join us at this chapter meeting. This meeting will provide you with the basics of ECM, and will also provide an interactive session where you may discuss your company's IT requirements to many solution providers.

"In addition, many organizations in San Diego are being invited to this event and you will find this the perfect opportunity to network with other successful businesses in our community."

Okay: that's enough. I'm sure you got it because you didn't get it. I didn't either.

Are you familiar with Microsoft Word's Office Assistant? When it's incoherent to what you're typing—it scratches its head in confusion. Well, haven't you been scratching your head?

Because I bet you're still wondering:

What is ECM?

What can it do for me?

What is your definition of affordable?

Why is Jane (following her heart and dreams) important to me?

Aren't there other technology solutions providers?

Can Jane give me something more concrete than her belief?

I don't know...

Because her letter raises more questions that were never addressed. And it's sad to say, she will attract a majority of the wrong audience (networking junkies) to this event.

Dear reader, I hope you are savvy enough not to send your letters out as Jane did. It's lifeless, doesn't grab you by the jugular, or compel you to respond. It doesn't shout, "Hey mister, you really need this!"

Its major downfall is that it's full of logic. Which misses the mark because people make decisions on emotion. Then support that decision through logic.

Here's what Jane could have written:

Have You Profited from the Internet Revolution?

"Dear Tommy,

"The Internet is raking in millions of dollars for big companies. And with today's advanced technology, even a housewife in Oshkosh, Wisconsin can market her goods worldwide. Which begs me to ask...

"Is your company getting its slice of that delicious Internet pie? Or will you bury your head in sand waiting for the Internet to crash?

"If you think the Internet will be around well after you've retired—then it's time to shift your company into hyperdrive at our next Enterprise Content Management Summit. We'll show you the ins and outs of making money on the Internet because we've helped large companies land on sure footing after making the jump. We'll also help you blah, blah, blah..."

See the difference?

You

"In addition, many organizations in San Diego are being invited to this event and you will find this the perfect opportunity to network with other successful businesses in our community."

Okay: that's enough. I'm sure you got it because you didn't get it. I didn't either.

Are you familiar with Microsoft Word's Office Assistant? When it's incoherent to what you're typing—it scratches its head in confusion. Well, haven't you been scratching your head?

Because I bet you're still wondering:

What is ECM?

What can it do for me?

What is your definition of affordable?

Why is Jane (following her heart and dreams) important to me?

Aren't there other technology solutions providers?

Can Jane give me something more concrete than her belief?

I don't know...

Because her letter raises more questions that were never addressed. And it's sad to say, she will attract a majority of the wrong audience (networking junkies) to this event.

Dear reader, I hope you are savvy enough not to send your letters out as Jane did. It's lifeless, doesn't grab you by the jugular, or compel you to respond. It doesn't shout, "Hey mister, you really need this!"

Its major downfall is that it's full of logic. Which misses the mark because people make decisions on emotion. Then support that decision through logic.

Here's what Jane could have written:

Have You Profited from the Internet Revolution?

"Dear Tommy,

"The Internet is raking in millions of dollars for big companies. And with today's advanced technology, even a housewife in Oshkosh, Wisconsin can market her goods worldwide. Which begs me to ask...

"Is your company getting its slice of that delicious Internet pie? Or will you bury your head in sand waiting for the Internet to crash?

"If you think the Internet will be around well after you've retired—then it's time to shift your company into hyperdrive at our next Enterprise Content Management Summit. We'll show you the ins and outs of making money on the Internet because we've helped large companies land on sure footing after making the jump. We'll also help you blah, blah, blah..."

See the difference?

You

Can Jane give me something more concrete than her belief?

I don't know...

Because her letter raises more questions that were never addressed. And it's sad to say, she will attract a majority of the wrong audience (networking junkies) to this event.

Dear reader, I hope you are savvy enough not to send your letters out as Jane did. It's lifeless, doesn't grab you by the jugular, or compel you to respond. It doesn't shout, "Hey mister, you really need this!"

Its major downfall is that it's full of logic. Which misses the mark because people make decisions on emotion. Then support that decision through logic.

Here's what Jane could have written:

Have You Profited from the Internet Revolution?

"Dear Tommy,

"The Internet is raking in millions of dollars for big companies. And with today's advanced technology, even a housewife in Oshkosh, Wisconsin can market her goods worldwide. Which begs me to ask...

"Is your company getting its slice of that delicious Internet pie? Or will you bury your head in sand waiting for the Internet to crash?

"If you think the Internet will be around well after you've retired—then it's time to shift your company into hyperdrive at our next Enterprise Content Management Summit. We'll show you the ins and outs of making money on the Internet because we've helped large companies land on sure footing after making the jump. We'll also help you blah, blah, blah..."

See the difference?

You

"Dear Tommy,

"The Internet is raking in millions of dollars for big companies. And with today's advanced technology, even a housewife in Oshkosh, Wisconsin can market her goods worldwide. Which begs me to ask...

"Is your company getting its slice of that delicious Internet pie? Or will you bury your head in sand waiting for the Internet to crash?

"If you think the Internet will be around well after you've retired—then it's time to shift your company into hyperdrive at our next Enterprise Content Management Summit. We'll show you the ins and outs of making money on the Internet because we've helped large companies land on sure footing after making the jump. We'll also help you blah, blah, blah..."

See the difference?

You can create more compelling copy by painting word pictures and lacing it with emotion. You'll get lots better response and make more money too.

Tommy Yan helps business owners and entrepreneurs make more money through direct response marketing. He publishes Tommy's Tease weekly e-zine to inspire people to succeed in business and personal growth. Get your free subscription today at www.TommyYan.com.