on our way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. Remember that a fire can’t be put out if gas is still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has already staEarly in my research on anger, I was asking prominent professors and psychologists to explain the anger process to me. Their answers of course were never simplistic in nature because they went into a level of detail that I knew the lay-person would have difficulty understanding. After I wrote my book, Street Negotiation—How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime, I had a much greater understanding of anger and I found that anger really amounts to two things: Pain and Blame.

Pain is Like Gasoline

Think of pain as the fuel for a fire that is anger. Pain is your gasoline for your anger. When I refer to pain, I mean both physical or emotional pain. Pain is a warning signal or stimulus to your mind that you are about to get injured, either physically or emotionally, and that it’s time to place as much distance from that pain as possible in the act of self-preservation. This is what generates the famous “fight or flight response” from our sympathetic nervous system.

Now let’s go back to the gasoline analogy. We know that gas is very dangerous near an open fire. But is gas in and of itself something to be feared? Not really. It’s controllable and we bottle it up and ship it all over the world. We sit right underneath about 15 gallons of it everyday on our way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. Remember that a fire can’t be put out if gas is still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has already star

n—How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime, I had a much greater understanding of anger and I found that anger really amounts to two things: Pain and Blame.

Pain is Like Gasoline

Think of pain as the fuel for a fire that is anger. Pain is your gasoline for your anger. When I refer to pain, I mean both physical or emotional pain. Pain is a warning signal or stimulus to your mind that you are about to get injured, either physically or emotionally, and that it’s time to place as much distance from that pain as possible in the act of self-preservation. This is what generates the famous “fight or flight response” from our sympathetic nervous system.

Now let’s go back to the gasoline analogy. We know that gas is very dangerous near an open fire. But is gas in and of itself something to be feared? Not really. It’s controllable and we bottle it up and ship it all over the world. We sit right underneath about 15 gallons of it everyday on our way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. Remember that a fire can’t be put out if gas is still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has already sta

sical or emotional pain. Pain is a warning signal or stimulus to your mind that you are about to get injured, either physically or emotionally, and that it’s time to place as much distance from that pain as possible in the act of self-preservation. This is what generates the famous “fight or flight response” from our sympathetic nervous system.

Now let’s go back to the gasoline analogy. We know that gas is very dangerous near an open fire. But is gas in and of itself something to be feared? Not really. It’s controllable and we bottle it up and ship it all over the world. We sit right underneath about 15 gallons of it everyday on our way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. Remember that a fire can’t be put out if gas is still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has already sta

mpathetic nervous system.

Now let’s go back to the gasoline analogy. We know that gas is very dangerous near an open fire. But is gas in and of itself something to be feared? Not really. It’s controllable and we bottle it up and ship it all over the world. We sit right underneath about 15 gallons of it everyday on our way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. Remember that a fire can’t be put out if gas is still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has already sta

on our way to work. Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas is fueling that fire to burn hotter and more out of control. Remember that a fire can’t be put out if gas is still being fed to that fire. To stop a fire that has already started, that source of fuel must first be shut off.

Blame is Like the Lighted Match

So if pain does not start anger, then what does? Well, it’s the combination of pain and blame which make anger happen. Blame is the act of choosing to make yourself a victim and the other person the villain. Blame creates the channel from which you can project all your pain out towards another person. A lot of psychologists will refer to this as trigger thoughts, but essentially it’s the act of defaulting responsibility for your actions onto another person and assuming the role of a victim. Blame is the lighted match that sets the pain on fire. Blame on its own, in absence of pain, is like a wooden match—you can light it up in the beginning, but without any source of fuel, it quickly burns out on its own. However, if you bring blame in direct contact with pain, then what you get is one heck of a fire.

To give you an example: I once hit my shin on the corner of a wooden coffee table as I was walking through the living room of my house one day. It hurt like hell. I was so pissed off at the table for “hurting me” that I kicked it and broke one of the legs to the table. Yeah, inside I felt an evil sense of revenge because I told that table who was boss…that wa