ch you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you can’t expect too much of him?

You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a year’s care and respect from anyone else…

So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him – a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because he’s not the

It’s a question women often ask me.

The lead up to the question always goes something like this: the man has travelled round the circle of violence and exploded yet again. (If you are not familiar with the Circle of Violence see below.) The woman feels terribly battered, emotionally – and, quite possibly, physically also – so much so that she decides she has to call time on the relationship.

At that point the man gets worried that he might have really ‘blown it’ and starts back peddling furiously. Mr Nice Guy is in the ascendant. He promises to go for counselling, talks about his difficult childhood and/or present stresses, he tells her how much he loves and needs her. He really wants to change, but he can’t do it without her…

How easy is it to get sucked in when he finally says all the things you have been starved of hearing? The things that fall like balm on your soul? Especially when you see glimpses of the man you fell in love with? It’s just all the hurt and pain and rejection etc. he’s been through in his life that have made him so hurtful at times. At bottom, you know that there is this warm, loving, sensitive guy who is in touch with his, and your feelings, his feminine side etc. etc.

Well, first off, if it’s just the hurt etc. that he’s been through that made him so hurtful, how come you don’t do the same? You’ve been through enough misery and yet you spend your time trying to hold it together for him, your children if you have children, yourself the family?

Are you going to fall back on that tired old excuse that women are better at feelings, by which you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you can’t expect too much of him?

You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a year’s care and respect from anyone else…

So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him – a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because he’s not ther

p>At that point the man gets worried that he might have really ‘blown it’ and starts back peddling furiously. Mr Nice Guy is in the ascendant. He promises to go for counselling, talks about his difficult childhood and/or present stresses, he tells her how much he loves and needs her. He really wants to change, but he can’t do it without her…

How easy is it to get sucked in when he finally says all the things you have been starved of hearing? The things that fall like balm on your soul? Especially when you see glimpses of the man you fell in love with? It’s just all the hurt and pain and rejection etc. he’s been through in his life that have made him so hurtful at times. At bottom, you know that there is this warm, loving, sensitive guy who is in touch with his, and your feelings, his feminine side etc. etc.

Well, first off, if it’s just the hurt etc. that he’s been through that made him so hurtful, how come you don’t do the same? You’ve been through enough misery and yet you spend your time trying to hold it together for him, your children if you have children, yourself the family?

Are you going to fall back on that tired old excuse that women are better at feelings, by which you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you can’t expect too much of him?

You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a year’s care and respect from anyone else…

So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him – a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because he’s not the

all the things you have been starved of hearing? The things that fall like balm on your soul? Especially when you see glimpses of the man you fell in love with? It’s just all the hurt and pain and rejection etc. he’s been through in his life that have made him so hurtful at times. At bottom, you know that there is this warm, loving, sensitive guy who is in touch with his, and your feelings, his feminine side etc. etc.

Well, first off, if it’s just the hurt etc. that he’s been through that made him so hurtful, how come you don’t do the same? You’ve been through enough misery and yet you spend your time trying to hold it together for him, your children if you have children, yourself the family?

Are you going to fall back on that tired old excuse that women are better at feelings, by which you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you can’t expect too much of him?

You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a year’s care and respect from anyone else…

So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him – a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because he’s not the

nine side etc. etc.

Well, first off, if it’s just the hurt etc. that he’s been through that made him so hurtful, how come you don’t do the same? You’ve been through enough misery and yet you spend your time trying to hold it together for him, your children if you have children, yourself the family?

Are you going to fall back on that tired old excuse that women are better at feelings, by which you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you can’t expect too much of him?

You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a year’s care and respect from anyone else…

So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him – a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because he’s not the

ch you mean women are more responsible for their feelings? That you can’t expect too much of him?

You might as well argue that one kind word from him is worth a year’s care and respect from anyone else…

So you start thinking about and working towards a life without him – a life, incidentally that you imagine as being just as ghastly as life with him, yet ten times worse because he’s not there; like a desert without even the hope of an oasis somewhere.

And you’re so heart-broken you don’t even register the sheer illogicality of it: if his presence and his treatment have made life so bad, how could his absence possibly be worse?

You feel confused, vulnerable, desperate, he makes the effort to woo you a bit – after all we’re talking about him getting back into his comfort zone here – and you find yourself wondering obsessively: “Will he change back into the man I fell in love with?”

Ask him, and he might even vow that he will. Well, he would, wouldn’t he? But will he?

There’s always an outside chance, like winning the lottery. What are the odds? Hundreds to one, thousands to one, tens of thousands to one, or a million to one? Who knows? What’s certain is that they are very low indeed. If you want to stake your happiness, your children’s happiness – because, make no mistake, abusive relationships tear children apart – and your very life, on a tiny outside chance, that’s your choice.

If he tells you he ‘can’t do it without you’ that’s Abusive Man Code for “I’ve no intention of doing anything for myself. Either you do the work, or it won’t get done.”

If he can shift, probably quite fast, from broken-hearted mode, to blame, criticism or anger, he’s giving you the clearest message he can about what you can look forward to.

If he moves, swiftly and seamlessly, from the mention of your hurt feelings to the contemplation of his own, take it as a reminder of exactly where you rate in his own personal hierarchy.

But “will he change back?” yo