c. Even if friends and family are telling them a different story, the abuser’s words are powerful enough to put them into a negative ‘trance’, so that all they register is negatives.

So how and when do you break out?

Thinking about breaking out is actually the first tentative step. Many women stop there, or backtrack, because they

This week a couple of women have asked me: “Is there any point in trying to move on, when I am still stuck in the relationship?”

It’s not hard to understand where they are coming from. When a relationship has left you feeling utterly drained and powerless, just dragging yourself through your ‘normal’ day can be hard enough.

So how can you possibly hope to find the strength to take on all the challenges that ending the relationship will bring? How will you face up to the enormous concerns you have on all possible fronts?

I remember that time in my life well. I remember the questions I asked myself obsessively about a future without him. There were no good answers, only a paralysing fear, and the corrosive hope that maybe, just maybe, it could still work out…

That whole cycle is as destructive as it is normal - under the circumstances. It is the abused woman’s equivalent of pedalling frantically on a hamster wheel and ending up exactly where you started, only increasingly tired and worn. Hamsters may thrive on that kind of workout; human beings do not.

All verbal and emotional abuse is brainwashing. And you cannot overcome that brainwashing without recognising it for what it is.

All abusers ‘reprogram’ their victims. By dint of constant repetition, they make their partners feel stupid, ugly, fat, powerless, unlovable, pathetic. Even if friends and family are telling them a different story, the abuser’s words are powerful enough to put them into a negative ‘trance’, so that all they register is negatives.

So how and when do you break out?

Thinking about breaking out is actually the first tentative step. Many women stop there, or backtrack, because they c

an you possibly hope to find the strength to take on all the challenges that ending the relationship will bring? How will you face up to the enormous concerns you have on all possible fronts?

I remember that time in my life well. I remember the questions I asked myself obsessively about a future without him. There were no good answers, only a paralysing fear, and the corrosive hope that maybe, just maybe, it could still work out…

That whole cycle is as destructive as it is normal - under the circumstances. It is the abused woman’s equivalent of pedalling frantically on a hamster wheel and ending up exactly where you started, only increasingly tired and worn. Hamsters may thrive on that kind of workout; human beings do not.

All verbal and emotional abuse is brainwashing. And you cannot overcome that brainwashing without recognising it for what it is.

All abusers ‘reprogram’ their victims. By dint of constant repetition, they make their partners feel stupid, ugly, fat, powerless, unlovable, pathetic. Even if friends and family are telling them a different story, the abuser’s words are powerful enough to put them into a negative ‘trance’, so that all they register is negatives.

So how and when do you break out?

Thinking about breaking out is actually the first tentative step. Many women stop there, or backtrack, because they

nly a paralysing fear, and the corrosive hope that maybe, just maybe, it could still work out…

That whole cycle is as destructive as it is normal - under the circumstances. It is the abused woman’s equivalent of pedalling frantically on a hamster wheel and ending up exactly where you started, only increasingly tired and worn. Hamsters may thrive on that kind of workout; human beings do not.

All verbal and emotional abuse is brainwashing. And you cannot overcome that brainwashing without recognising it for what it is.

All abusers ‘reprogram’ their victims. By dint of constant repetition, they make their partners feel stupid, ugly, fat, powerless, unlovable, pathetic. Even if friends and family are telling them a different story, the abuser’s words are powerful enough to put them into a negative ‘trance’, so that all they register is negatives.

So how and when do you break out?

Thinking about breaking out is actually the first tentative step. Many women stop there, or backtrack, because they

y thrive on that kind of workout; human beings do not.

All verbal and emotional abuse is brainwashing. And you cannot overcome that brainwashing without recognising it for what it is.

All abusers ‘reprogram’ their victims. By dint of constant repetition, they make their partners feel stupid, ugly, fat, powerless, unlovable, pathetic. Even if friends and family are telling them a different story, the abuser’s words are powerful enough to put them into a negative ‘trance’, so that all they register is negatives.

So how and when do you break out?

Thinking about breaking out is actually the first tentative step. Many women stop there, or backtrack, because they

c. Even if friends and family are telling them a different story, the abuser’s words are powerful enough to put them into a negative ‘trance’, so that all they register is negatives.

So how and when do you break out?

Thinking about breaking out is actually the first tentative step. Many women stop there, or backtrack, because they can’t see where they are going. That’s to be expected when you’ve been brainwashed; it’s perfectly normal.

Yet, the thought persists that there can be, must be, something better out there for you - which there undoubtedly is.

Do you really have to see it, before you can pursue it? Because that is the Catch 22. Your abusive partner has erected a smokescreen of negativity in front of your eyes so that have lost sight of whatever visions you once held for yourself.

But does that have to stop you taking one step forward and then another, and another?

When you do so, you will start to find your way through that smokescreen of negativity. You will start to see some of what lies ahead for you.

Certainly, the process is scary. Because he has done his work well so that you continue to hear the old destructive soundtrack still running through your head.

You can’t drown it out. It’s one of the things that most women try and fail. Nobody has ever told them that it’s a counter-productive measure. Challenging his rubbishing of you only keeps it in the forefront of your mind. So you can’t drown it out. But you can replace it. You replace it when you start to create your own soundtrack that describes you the way you truly are and truly can be. Even if you don’t feel like that person at all right now.

You know you were once a prett