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Hub You - Adultery: Getting Through the Pain, A Conversation with the Betrayed
Technological advances have made IT consultant work a viable option for many with computer skills. Though starting a life as an IT consultant, like making any other business move involves risks, it has many benefits. As an IT consultant just starting out, you will undoubtedly run into the situation of having the expertise but no clients. By adhering to the following tips, you can be successfully self-employed as an IT consultant.The Importance of MarketingWord-of-mouth is not a good enough strategy for obtaining continued business. You need to put a concerted effort into marketing and advertising persistently, because the IT consultant world is incredibly competitive. If you offer unique services, you will set yourself apart from your business rivals and attract more business.A marketing firm is a viable option for a start-up and can help steer your course by giving you radio or television spots or handling magazine/newspaper ads and press releases. Though this idea may seem like a large investment at the beginning, in the long run it could be invaluable and save you precious time.The Business PlanYou need a clear business plan from the beginning with a definition of goals and objectives and of the products and services you will give clients as an IT consultant. Decide important elements such as how much your rates will be and how you wil
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details. You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance. Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling. What is he/she communicating about the situation? Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally? Is he/she fighting to save the marriage? Has
Modern workers embody the phrase "work hard, play hard" - and every grain in the paid vacation hourglass is important. A recent PayScale survey says that most employees value their employee vacation time off over a higher base salary. When asked if they would trade some of their employee vacation time for a higher salary, 70% of respondents answered "no."Fear of Paid Vacation?About 18% of respondents use half or less of their paid vacation days each year, some for fear that they might not seem as dedicated to their jobs in the eyes of management.TIP: You wouldn't think of taking only half of your salary, so why not take full advantage of this hard-earned aspect of your compensation package? Your employer provides paid vacation because they want you to use it.How do employers accommodate employee vacation time requests? With graciousness, usually. Of our respondents, 74% said they have not had to cancel or reschedule their employee vacation time this year due to work conflicts. However, that means over a quarter of those surveyed did have to do so. TIP: While there's always a chance of work schedules being overhauled with little notice, it's important to choose employee vacation time with care. Making a comprehensive list of upcoming deadlines and project due dates before scheduling paid vacation time can h
Marriage, there is no other relationship that can manifest all that is good than when two hearts come together as one. Such a union is so very powerful; it embodies the depth, power and joy of love. When it truly works it transcends all that can be adequately described by words.
At the same time, there is no institution (marriage) that is more disrespected and defiled. There is no gift that is more unappreciated. There is no seed left more unattended, and no opportunity more missed. Yet the strivings to enter its doors remain as consistent as its failures. Such strivings is the best demonstration of an underlying drive, which has faith in the promised possibilities of marriage at its core. Such striving toward marriage is also our best indication that it is much larger than the two people it immediately surrounds. It holds much more than what is seen and felt. It can be life’s most rewarding journey by which we have the opportunity to experience the world not through our eyes only. Perhaps it is because of the promise marriage holds why the emotional pain can be devastating when betrayal occurs.
A core tenet of marriage is fidelity. Yet adultery is most citied as the primary reason for failed marriages. Make no mistake that “emotional adultery” is just as serious and can also do serious harm to a relationship. However, there are marriages that have survived the serious blow that infidelity caused to its core foundation of trust, and have even emerged much stronger. The question is how?
For the purpose of this discussion let us not dwell on familial issues, or needs tied to gender differences, demographic realities, social structure, cultural issues, etc. The intent is certainly not to devalue any of these underlying issues (as they pertain to your situation they will certainly need to be addressed), but marriage is the most personal and intimate bond between two people, and when betrayal occurs very little thought is immediately given to such issues. So let us instead focus on the immediate crisis. What to do I do if it happens to me? How do I get through the pain?
When it Happens to Me:
It is important, for the one who is betrayed to understand that you should not face this situation alone. Yes, you will need to be concerned about whom you seek out for help and advice. For example, there may be family members who will be opposed to the final outcome, whatever it might be, and will therefore offer little support when needed. This is added emotional stress that you should try to avoid. You may also be concerned about not damaging the image or status of your spouse, especially if you have children. However, these considerations should not stop you from securing help. If you have a religious affiliation this is the time to seek out spiritual guidance and instruction. Professional counseling, even if it is brief in duration and does not include your spouse, for now, may also be very helpful.
During the period of discovery is not the time for the injured spouse to make life changing decisions. This would be analogous to experiencing a head-on collision and somehow stumbling into a bank to discuss a new business plan. You must give yourself some time and some distance from the initial shock and devastation. Your emotions are highly charged, you could even feel physically sick, and your coping skills may well be weakened. You will need time to fully digest, face and deal with your intense feelings of betrayal, anger and even blame. Time will be your best ally as you work through your intense emotions.
Taking Inventory of the Damage:
You and your spouse are individually taking inventory of the extent of the damage to your marriage. This “inventory of the damage” may take some time. As the “injured party” your emotions will lead you to feel very differently toward your partner. There will probably be new considerations of things you are willing to do or not willing to do, in relation to your role as spouse. You will need to think this through and communicate different rules and expectations during this period.
As you reflect on the event unwanted thoughts will haunt you and intrude on your few moments of peace; new pieces of information will surface and you will soon realize that there are unexpected health concerns, STDs and HIV/AIDS, which you must face. Take action to find answers to these possible health issues so that this source of anxiety can get resolved. There are certainly enough reasons for a profound sense of sadness to begin to engulf you, as the weight of the consequences of this one act seem to be unending. But in your darkest moments believe this, you will not always feel this way; you will survive and claim victory over your life; this pain will eventually pass.
One of the secrets to enduring a painful experience is to understand that it is temporary and while you are going through it you must continue to be an active participant of life. As bad as you might feel, this is not the time to be idle or mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Force yourself to seek out new projects, preoccupy your time with enjoyable activities, and behave as if things are fine; because in time they will be. Trouble has a way of transforming and strengthening its victims, but you must do your part. Do not allow yourself to stay preoccupied by the sadness of this moment.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. “ ~M. Kathleen
During the “inventory of the damage” period an honest reflection on your relationship prior to the event is in order. Such reflection should focus on the quality of the overall relationship and may include questions such as: Was there a real sense of closeness and love in the relationship, or was it a troubled marriage where problems and issues were never addressed? Was your spouse committed to his/her children? Do you love your spouse? Do you believe that your spouse loves you? Underneath the hurt, there will remain a truth about your feelings for your spouse that only you will know and understand. This truth will be one of the most important factors in determining if the relationship can be repaired and restored.
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details. You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance. Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling. What is he/she communicating about the situation? Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally? Is he/she fighting to save the marriage? Has t
Article marketing, of course, involves writing articles for the purpose of submitting them to the various online article directories and including a link to your web site in the articles, so that you will receive traffic from the articles you market.There are two ways that you can make money with article marketing.One way that you can make money with article marketing is by writing articles to send traffic to your web site, and then you make money from the traffic that comes to your web site, in much the same way that you make money from other forms of traffic, whether that is by building list and monetizing it, or by selling products online. I call this direct traffic – when you submit the articles for the purpose of getting the direct hits from article readers. To do this effectively, simply write many quality articles and post them to the top 2 or 3 article directories online.The second way that you can make money with article marketing is by writing a few articles and submitting them to multiple article directories – I think that there are around 500 at current count. This will allow you to gain a maximum number of what the search engines call backlinks, and the search engines will generally rank you higher in the search engine results if you have more backlinks. Once the search engines rank your website, then people can visit your web site via the s
For the purpose of this discussion let us not dwell on familial issues, or needs tied to gender differences, demographic realities, social structure, cultural issues, etc. The intent is certainly not to devalue any of these underlying issues (as they pertain to your situation they will certainly need to be addressed), but marriage is the most personal and intimate bond between two people, and when betrayal occurs very little thought is immediately given to such issues. So let us instead focus on the immediate crisis. What to do I do if it happens to me? How do I get through the pain?
When it Happens to Me:
It is important, for the one who is betrayed to understand that you should not face this situation alone. Yes, you will need to be concerned about whom you seek out for help and advice. For example, there may be family members who will be opposed to the final outcome, whatever it might be, and will therefore offer little support when needed. This is added emotional stress that you should try to avoid. You may also be concerned about not damaging the image or status of your spouse, especially if you have children. However, these considerations should not stop you from securing help. If you have a religious affiliation this is the time to seek out spiritual guidance and instruction. Professional counseling, even if it is brief in duration and does not include your spouse, for now, may also be very helpful.
During the period of discovery is not the time for the injured spouse to make life changing decisions. This would be analogous to experiencing a head-on collision and somehow stumbling into a bank to discuss a new business plan. You must give yourself some time and some distance from the initial shock and devastation. Your emotions are highly charged, you could even feel physically sick, and your coping skills may well be weakened. You will need time to fully digest, face and deal with your intense feelings of betrayal, anger and even blame. Time will be your best ally as you work through your intense emotions.
Taking Inventory of the Damage:
You and your spouse are individually taking inventory of the extent of the damage to your marriage. This “inventory of the damage” may take some time. As the “injured party” your emotions will lead you to feel very differently toward your partner. There will probably be new considerations of things you are willing to do or not willing to do, in relation to your role as spouse. You will need to think this through and communicate different rules and expectations during this period.
As you reflect on the event unwanted thoughts will haunt you and intrude on your few moments of peace; new pieces of information will surface and you will soon realize that there are unexpected health concerns, STDs and HIV/AIDS, which you must face. Take action to find answers to these possible health issues so that this source of anxiety can get resolved. There are certainly enough reasons for a profound sense of sadness to begin to engulf you, as the weight of the consequences of this one act seem to be unending. But in your darkest moments believe this, you will not always feel this way; you will survive and claim victory over your life; this pain will eventually pass.
One of the secrets to enduring a painful experience is to understand that it is temporary and while you are going through it you must continue to be an active participant of life. As bad as you might feel, this is not the time to be idle or mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Force yourself to seek out new projects, preoccupy your time with enjoyable activities, and behave as if things are fine; because in time they will be. Trouble has a way of transforming and strengthening its victims, but you must do your part. Do not allow yourself to stay preoccupied by the sadness of this moment.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. “ ~M. Kathleen
During the “inventory of the damage” period an honest reflection on your relationship prior to the event is in order. Such reflection should focus on the quality of the overall relationship and may include questions such as: Was there a real sense of closeness and love in the relationship, or was it a troubled marriage where problems and issues were never addressed? Was your spouse committed to his/her children? Do you love your spouse? Do you believe that your spouse loves you? Underneath the hurt, there will remain a truth about your feelings for your spouse that only you will know and understand. This truth will be one of the most important factors in determining if the relationship can be repaired and restored.
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details. You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance. Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling. What is he/she communicating about the situation? Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally? Is he/she fighting to save the marriage? Has
Basic IdeaAffiliate marketing is a type of marketing in which revenue sharing between online merchants and online salespeople (affiliates), whereby compensation is based on performance measures, typically in the form of sales (Pay Per Sale), clicks (Pay Per Click) and impressions (Pay Per Impressions).Merchants run affiliate programs to generate leads and sales from other Web sites. They pay an affiliate to generate sales from a button, banner, or link placed on affiliate’s website, newsletter, e-mail or pay per click ad. For example, if a site owner signs up for any merchant’s affiliate program, he will receive banners or links from this merchant that he can place anywhere on his site. Then, if a visitor clicks on this banner or a link on his site and buys something, he will receive a commission.The introduction of affiliate programs in the late 1990s brought Internet marketing to a new level. The first companies that offered these programs saw sales increase dramatically. These companies basically get free advertising and only pay their affiliates a percentage of the sales they generate. It's a win-win situation for the company that runs the affiliate program.Now there are thousands of companies in hundreds of industries that will pay commissions to you for sales, leads or impressions.How does it work?1. First of all you a
During the period of discovery is not the time for the injured spouse to make life changing decisions. This would be analogous to experiencing a head-on collision and somehow stumbling into a bank to discuss a new business plan. You must give yourself some time and some distance from the initial shock and devastation. Your emotions are highly charged, you could even feel physically sick, and your coping skills may well be weakened. You will need time to fully digest, face and deal with your intense feelings of betrayal, anger and even blame. Time will be your best ally as you work through your intense emotions.
Taking Inventory of the Damage:
You and your spouse are individually taking inventory of the extent of the damage to your marriage. This “inventory of the damage” may take some time. As the “injured party” your emotions will lead you to feel very differently toward your partner. There will probably be new considerations of things you are willing to do or not willing to do, in relation to your role as spouse. You will need to think this through and communicate different rules and expectations during this period.
As you reflect on the event unwanted thoughts will haunt you and intrude on your few moments of peace; new pieces of information will surface and you will soon realize that there are unexpected health concerns, STDs and HIV/AIDS, which you must face. Take action to find answers to these possible health issues so that this source of anxiety can get resolved. There are certainly enough reasons for a profound sense of sadness to begin to engulf you, as the weight of the consequences of this one act seem to be unending. But in your darkest moments believe this, you will not always feel this way; you will survive and claim victory over your life; this pain will eventually pass.
One of the secrets to enduring a painful experience is to understand that it is temporary and while you are going through it you must continue to be an active participant of life. As bad as you might feel, this is not the time to be idle or mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Force yourself to seek out new projects, preoccupy your time with enjoyable activities, and behave as if things are fine; because in time they will be. Trouble has a way of transforming and strengthening its victims, but you must do your part. Do not allow yourself to stay preoccupied by the sadness of this moment.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. “ ~M. Kathleen
During the “inventory of the damage” period an honest reflection on your relationship prior to the event is in order. Such reflection should focus on the quality of the overall relationship and may include questions such as: Was there a real sense of closeness and love in the relationship, or was it a troubled marriage where problems and issues were never addressed? Was your spouse committed to his/her children? Do you love your spouse? Do you believe that your spouse loves you? Underneath the hurt, there will remain a truth about your feelings for your spouse that only you will know and understand. This truth will be one of the most important factors in determining if the relationship can be repaired and restored.
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details. You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance. Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling. What is he/she communicating about the situation? Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally? Is he/she fighting to save the marriage? Has
Personal loans are common to most people as almost every one has at some stage or other had to take one. It is a way out if you require cash for something urgent that comes up or for a project that you have planned and do not have the prospect of ever having enough cash to complete.All banks, financial institutions and credit unions will be willing to give applicants who qualify a loan. The amount you are allowed to borrow will depend on your monthly income and how many expenses you have in a month. They will not let you over extend your self financially in case you later on find difficulty in paying off the monthly payments. Your credit record will also be checked so that the lender will be able to see how responsible you are with your debts.The lender will always prefer any borrower to take a secured loan as this will safe guard him against loss in case you could not pay off the loan in full. If you are a home owner the loan will be secured against your home, if not you would have to have collateral of the same value as the loan. This collateral will have to remain in the lender’s possession until the loan was fully paid off.If a borrower objected to having a secured loan he might have trouble in securing a loan and would possibly have to look out for another lender. There are, however lenders that are prepared to loan potential borrowers money who d
One of the secrets to enduring a painful experience is to understand that it is temporary and while you are going through it you must continue to be an active participant of life. As bad as you might feel, this is not the time to be idle or mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Force yourself to seek out new projects, preoccupy your time with enjoyable activities, and behave as if things are fine; because in time they will be. Trouble has a way of transforming and strengthening its victims, but you must do your part. Do not allow yourself to stay preoccupied by the sadness of this moment.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. “ ~M. Kathleen
During the “inventory of the damage” period an honest reflection on your relationship prior to the event is in order. Such reflection should focus on the quality of the overall relationship and may include questions such as: Was there a real sense of closeness and love in the relationship, or was it a troubled marriage where problems and issues were never addressed? Was your spouse committed to his/her children? Do you love your spouse? Do you believe that your spouse loves you? Underneath the hurt, there will remain a truth about your feelings for your spouse that only you will know and understand. This truth will be one of the most important factors in determining if the relationship can be repaired and restored.
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details. You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance. Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling. What is he/she communicating about the situation? Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally? Is he/she fighting to save the marriage? Has
Have you ever tried to launch an affiliate program? If you have, then you know that one of the challenges you face is to get people to be your affiliate marketers. After all, if you are new on the block, people who have never heard of you may be reluctant to encourage their list or web traffic to come to your website.Logical, right? After all, if someone asked you to recommend their product to your customers, you would want to know about it up front. More importantly, you would want to know who they were and if they were going to be a trustworthy and long term marketer.First, let me tell you about how NOT to do it. I just heard about a would-be marketer who sent a big dog an email with an offer to market his $700 program to his list and he would get an incredible $70 from each sale. Incredible is right! Can you imagine someone pushing that program to his list? There are several things against him. First, there are many $700 programs out there that offer 40 - 50 - even 65% of the sale price to the referer. Second, this was someone new on the block who was not even on the big dog's ezine list. Third, nobody else had heard of him either.Now, lets find out how to do it right.First, analyze what you want out of your affiliate program. Do you need money from the product you are selling? Do you want to make a name for yourself that people recognize? Do you ju
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details. You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance. Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling. What is he/she communicating about the situation? Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally? Is he/she fighting to save the marriage? Has the infidelity stopped, in no uncertain terms? Does he/she consistently demonstrate a willingness to do whatever is necessary to save the marriage? Or are you being blamed for his/her infidelity?
The Issue of Blame:
For women the issue of blame and how some women tend, even now, to accept responsibility for acts against them, reflects an unkind history in relation to the treatment and attitudes held toward women. If, at some level, you are viewing yourself as being responsible for the offense, then the offender is receiving a pardon for his behavior. Understand that accepting blame for your husband’s infidelity eliminates one of the necessary preconditions for the healing process, should you and your spouse decide to work on repairing the relationship. This precondition involves an honest look at the offense and an acceptance of responsibility by the offender. An expanded look at this complicated issue will be presented in the next article.
Acceptance of a Decision:
At some point both you and your spouse will move toward acceptance in relation to the fate of the marriage. The seriousness of adultery is viewed as a justifiable reason for divorce both legally and biblically, as marriage is intended to be an exclusive bond. Therefore, a decision to terminate the marriage due to adultery must be respectfully viewed as a legitimate option. However, marriage is also intended to be a lifelong enduring bond, able to withstand disappointments, tribulations and attacks. The process involved in moving through the pain may bring you to a place where you seek to repair and restore your relationship. Do not feel ashamed or belittled about arriving at this place. Because your marriage has suffered a serious blow does not mean it is not worthy of another chance.
The Process of Forgiving:
Once you have made a decision to save your marriage, you must begin the difficult process of forgiving your spouse. The most important step toward healing a broken relationship is forgiveness and this is a tall order given the degree of pain and anguish suffered. Meaningful forgiveness is thoughtful and purposeful and seeks new solutions. In forgiveness a new beginning can be found and a stronger foundation can be laid. The process of forgiveness will require:
A truthful and honest view of the offense without minimization or exaggeration;
Genuine demonstrations of regret and remorse by the offending spouse and an
understanding of the pain and suffering caused ;
Release of the offender, by the betrayed, of any obligation to make up for his/her offense; and
Release of bitterness and harbored resentment as a result of the offense.
This process helps to put both you and your spouse in a frame of mind and spirit where you both can begin to seek ways to work on restoring the relationship. However, this is a process which requires a level of emotional maturity, may span a period of years, and will experience peaks and valleys.
Fulfilling the Promise:
As mentioned in the beginning, marriage is much larger than the two people it surrounds; therefore, seeking spiritual guidance and instruction and/or professional help cannot be emphasized enough. Additionally, there is an opportunity here to finally deal with issues that may continue to cause damage to your marriage if left unresolved. There will be hard work ahead but the reward could be a GEM of a relationship.
“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.” ~Ivy Baker Priest
Lisa Paisley-Cleveland, LCSW
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