owing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding, over time, the good feelings between them.

Gottman uses the term "positive sentiment override" to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotio

Several months ago I was on the Outer Banks of North Carolina with 22 family members gathered to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of my husband's parents. Fifty years! As a couples therapist I spend a lot of time thinking about marriages and relationships and why some last and some don't. During this week of celebration, I was thinking about it even more than usual. I watched my in-laws as they interacted during the week. The thing that struck me the most is how kind they were to each other.

It wasn't just the kind of kindness they might have displayed because of the festive circumstances. As I thought about their relationship over the past 20 years that I have known them, going back over every visit we've had together, I realized Jackie and Bruce always displayed this same brand of kindness and consideration. When on the road, if Jackie wanted to stop at yet another new quilting store she'd just discovered (her favorite hobby), Bruce would amiably agree to walk around the fabric store for an hour or two without complaint. When Bruce wanted to stop at yet another used bookstore to add to his collection, Jackie would accompany him without resrevation. Even when not happy with one another, where was always that sense of respect and consideration. When outside stress arose for one reason or another, they still managed to be thoughtful about how they interacted with each other amid the stress.

My in-laws seem to understand intuitively what John Gottman, Ph.D., researcher on relationships at the University of Washington, has been researching and writing about for years. One of the key differences between couples who are happy and couples who split or remain unhappily together, is that happy couples have far more positive or neutral interactions during stressful times or during conflict than they do negative interactions. (At about a rate of 5 to 1.) In other words, by showing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding, over time, the good feelings between them.

Gottman uses the term "positive sentiment override" to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotion

they were to each other.

It wasn't just the kind of kindness they might have displayed because of the festive circumstances. As I thought about their relationship over the past 20 years that I have known them, going back over every visit we've had together, I realized Jackie and Bruce always displayed this same brand of kindness and consideration. When on the road, if Jackie wanted to stop at yet another new quilting store she'd just discovered (her favorite hobby), Bruce would amiably agree to walk around the fabric store for an hour or two without complaint. When Bruce wanted to stop at yet another used bookstore to add to his collection, Jackie would accompany him without resrevation. Even when not happy with one another, where was always that sense of respect and consideration. When outside stress arose for one reason or another, they still managed to be thoughtful about how they interacted with each other amid the stress.

My in-laws seem to understand intuitively what John Gottman, Ph.D., researcher on relationships at the University of Washington, has been researching and writing about for years. One of the key differences between couples who are happy and couples who split or remain unhappily together, is that happy couples have far more positive or neutral interactions during stressful times or during conflict than they do negative interactions. (At about a rate of 5 to 1.) In other words, by showing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding, over time, the good feelings between them.

Gottman uses the term "positive sentiment override" to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotio

ce would amiably agree to walk around the fabric store for an hour or two without complaint. When Bruce wanted to stop at yet another used bookstore to add to his collection, Jackie would accompany him without resrevation. Even when not happy with one another, where was always that sense of respect and consideration. When outside stress arose for one reason or another, they still managed to be thoughtful about how they interacted with each other amid the stress.

My in-laws seem to understand intuitively what John Gottman, Ph.D., researcher on relationships at the University of Washington, has been researching and writing about for years. One of the key differences between couples who are happy and couples who split or remain unhappily together, is that happy couples have far more positive or neutral interactions during stressful times or during conflict than they do negative interactions. (At about a rate of 5 to 1.) In other words, by showing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding, over time, the good feelings between them.

Gottman uses the term "positive sentiment override" to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotio

laws seem to understand intuitively what John Gottman, Ph.D., researcher on relationships at the University of Washington, has been researching and writing about for years. One of the key differences between couples who are happy and couples who split or remain unhappily together, is that happy couples have far more positive or neutral interactions during stressful times or during conflict than they do negative interactions. (At about a rate of 5 to 1.) In other words, by showing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding, over time, the good feelings between them.

Gottman uses the term "positive sentiment override" to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotio

owing each other a certain amount of consideration or kindness during stressful interactions, partners are able to keep from eroding, over time, the good feelings between them.

Gottman uses the term "positive sentiment override" to describe this process. He says that emotions in a relationship are like a thermostat. They have a set point to which they return when there is too much heat or too much cold air. If there has been a fight and it has gone badly but the emotions between partners are generally positive, the process will self-correct, the partners will get over the hurt quickly and the good feelings between then will be restored. If there is not an overall positive emotional setting in the relationship (sense of good will) and fights are often destructive, then the set point is negative and the fight may further erode the relationship.

Another analogy is that of a savings account. If you have a large savings account (positive interactions, positive emotions), then even when you make a withdrawal (negative interactions), you will still be in the black and continued kind positive interactions will act as additional deposit.

HOW BIG IS YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT? How often do you make deposits? Are your reserves already low and not sure how to get them higher?

There are three streps you can take to increasing your savings account. The first step: think about what is really important to your partner. If you are not sure, think about what are his or her most frequent complaints about what you do or don't do. Is it that you don't say, "I love you?" Then make an effort to say it each day. Is it that you forget to enter the check in the checkbook register? Make a point of being meticulous about this each time you shop. Is it that you leave your dirty clothes on the floor? Then start putting your clothes in the hamper.

When was the last time you really looked into your partner's eyes when you told them you loved them? When was the last time you really listened to your partner's description of the day at work without interrupting, being distracted, or trying to fix the problem? Pick one or two of these areas for our own focus, or choose something else that is important to your partner.

These are not huge tasks; in time and energy they require little effort. Yet, if you do what you know is important to your partner that you